Adventures in Air Travel

The whole airline business is a mystery to me. I'm not sure why it wouldn't be susceptible to the same business principles that govern every other business, but it seems to have some enigmatic ability to swallow money. What other business would lose money when it routinely sold out or oversold its market-priced product? I have been on a couple dozen or so flights in the last year and every single one of them was packed to the gills. In most cases, the time I spent waiting at the gates was punctuated by the now-familiar "We need a volunteer to take a later flight" plea - always entertaining since no one volunteers and, somehow, the flight boards and departs anyway. Are the extra people stowed in baggage? Vaporized?

And don't I remember that the incentives used to grow in value the closer you got to departure time? Said offers from Las Vegas to Chicago, then Chicago to Albany, last Thursday were evidently fixed at a free round-trip ticket for the future and a later flight for the moment. But the later flights were 9 hours later from Las Vegas and over 24 hours later from Chicago. What the heck did they think the volunteers (had there been any) would do in the meantime? Well, OK, 9 extra hours in Las Vegas would be a kick, if potentially expensive, but who flying from Chicago to Albany on a Thursday evening would likely have the flexibility or the interest to wait until Saturday morning?

I usually fly Southwest. Although the flights are tightly packed, at least some of the other amenities of flying are still intact. My US Air and United flights on Thursday were a rude awakening to the new realities of non-Southwest flights. To check a bag now costs $15. This may or may not be an offensive nickel-and-diming of customers, but the upshot is that people now haul on board everything they possibly can, either to avoid this fee or to avoid the potential hassle of lost baggage. But the plane is packed, the aisles are too narrow for rolling suitcases to be rolled, and the overhead bin space is insufficient. So the unfortunates who board last end up having to check their bags anyway. I presume there is no $15 fee in this case - the flight attendant didn't mention any fee in her oft-repeated "If there's no overhead space, bring your bag to the front and we'll check it for you." This bringing the bags to the front business was also ludicrous - the aisles are TINY and packed with people organizing themselves into seats evidently designed for a species much smaller than most adult travelers. Suppose the extra $15 actually collected on bags checked in the terminal is enough to offset not only baggage-handling costs, but the extra fuel it takes to cool the plane during the now even slower boarding process?

Airlines obviously are saving money by deferring decor maintenance. Both my Thursday planes showed all the signs of hard use. I guess the mechanical maintenance is kept up to snuff (we got where we were going without incident), and I'm a firm believer in "first things first," but do the seats and seat pockets have to be falling apart? Do 10-20% of the tray tables, lights and air vents have to not work? Do the wings and wing flaps have to be adorned with what look (alarmingly) like black skid marks? Does the whole experience have to be so much like taking the bus, but at 5-10 times the cost?

On the US Air flight, I was charged $2 for a bottle of water. This is OK, I guess - it would have cost at least that much to buy a bottle of water in the airport - but the collecting of money and making of change was a ridiculous waste of flight attendant time. And how does the money process work? Do the poor flight attendants have to account for every can, bottle, styrofoam cup and dollar to make sure it all matches up at the end of every flight? Does some idiot in accounting think this effort is without cost? Why on earth don't they just charge $5 more for each ticket and keep the complimentary soft drinks, the customer appreciation that goes with free stuff, the extra $5 from everyone, including people who get no drinks or buy alcohol, and the flight attendants' focus on quick service and safety? What passenger wouldn't pay $329 instead of $324 for the ticket? Is whatever the airline manages to net from the airborne-convenience-store approach worth making me think they're cheap bastards with whom I'll not fly again unless there's absolutely no other option?

The flight attendants on the US Air flight were also incredibly cranky. This might be because they're also now functioning as sales clerks or maybe it's because of the dowdy uniforms they still have to wear - the contrast between their 1950s "air host and hostess" apparel and the "I could comfortably sleep in this" clothing of most passengers is hilarious. Or maybe it's because they don't get paid enough or treated with respect. Who knows? But it seems to me that any business that "recognizes that you have a choice in air travel, appreciates your business, and hopes to see you on another [insert name of airline] flight again soon" might also recognize that it would be a plus to instruct its customer service personnel to treat the customers like fellow human beings instead of annoying scum.

Having said all that, both my flights arrived early. I was resigned with my usual air-travel serenity to the connection being a problem, but the only difficulty I encountered (if you don't count feeling like a sardine in a seen-better-days tin) was the distance I had to trudge between the two gates at O'Hare. Obviously, it was my lucky day. Too bad I couldn't stay home and use that luck at a blackjack table.

The Economics of Error

Econ 101 was quite a while ago but, as I recall, rising costs result largely from inflation, currency inequalities, supply issues and demand issues. Rising prices flow in turn from rising costs and, I suspect, rampant inefficiency and the occasional irresistible price-gouging opportunity. My recent experience indicates that the cost of having to do everything twice in order to get it right might also be a significant factor here in the 21st century.

I wrote not too long ago about the trials and tribulations of an attempt to get new glasses. That finally came out OK late last week, but only after the vision center rechecked my prescription, confirmed that it was in fact wrong, and then remade the glasses. I have no doubt that the glasses for which I paid multiple hundreds of dollars cost only a fraction of that to make, but still - having to do the entire process twice must have cut into the profit margin.

We decided a few weeks ago to refresh the paint on our exterior shutters, pillars, fasciae and so forth. The painting outfit we selected to do the job had all the basics of marketing and selling down pat: good ads, great brochure, an exceptionally convivial and knowledgeable estimator/salesperson who came the very day we called and was able to do the estimate on the spot, and a quick scheduling process. They even had an owner from the East - an intangible that we've learned from bitter experience is very important. Home service people from the Midwest and East have been great; those from Utah, Oregon and Washington are also good, but to steer clear of serious annoyance, it's necessary to avoid the ones from California and Nevada like the plague.

Anyway, once the actual painting job was done, it fell short of what had been advertised. We called to request a review, the owner of the company came out, looked things over, agreed that it wasn't up to "our usual standards" and apologized profusely. The redo is scheduled for Friday.

And this morning I opened an email shipping confirm of an order I placed with a food retailer. This is a joint with wonderful foodstuffs and exorbitant prices. The prices are almost OK given the extraordinary quality of the food, but I usually get tripped up by the shipping costs. They are outrageous. (Excuse me, but things like a tin of Spanish tuna and a box of licorice do not require the same shipping protocols as live lobsters.) I rarely order, but they sent me a "How about 20% off?" email and I figured the 20% off would cover the shipping.

(I know, I know. I'm a sucker. I'm aware that these emails are based on classic drug dealer behavior: give them a taste for a bargain price and they'll be back for a boatload at full price as surely as night follows day.)

So the shipping confirm email this morning gives me a tracking number for the package, which is supposed to be delivered today. The confirm has all the right info (including the shipping address), but imagine my surprise when I click on the tracking number and learn that the package is "out for delivery to Wilmette, IL."

I lived in Wilmette, IL, until January 2005. I have ordered from this retailer three times since I moved to Nevada, twice for myself and once as a gift. Nowhere in my account information on their website is any address in Wilmette, IL. This could be a bizarre coincidence, but I'm betting they have an outdated shipping database that doesn't tie to account information or, apparently, to actual shipping invoices.

How on earth can these companies have respectable profit margins? It's not like they don't know mistakes cost money. That's the whole point of best practices benchmarking, TQM, Six Sigma and whatever new flavor-of-the-month "quality" initiatives have taken their place since I left the corporate world. I don't know which is more alarming - the possibility that companies have built the cost of redoing everything into their price structures (kind of a preemptive price-gouging) or that these constant mistakes come as unpleasant surprises that require steadily increasing prices to offset.

Fuzzy Vision

I haven't posted a customer service rant in a while, but today's excitement is a doozy. I got new glasses last week. I love them, but they seem to have blurred the letters in my mid-range vision, a.k.a. my computer screen, where I spend many hours every day working with happy obsession on my new book. The visual fuzziness, which disappears completely if I wear my old glasses, was still bugging me after three days with the new ones, so I made an appointment for a prescription check at the "vision center" where I had my eyes examined and bought the glasses.

The appointment was this morning at 11:30. I arrived at 11:25 for what I imagined would be a 15-minute thing (the original exam having taken only a minute or two longer than that). I signed in and sat patiently for 15 minutes, impatiently for 15 more, and then went up to the receptionist and asked how much longer it might be. I wanted to have a little tantrum, but I kept my goal in mind and instead reminded her politely that I'd indicated when I made the appointment that I had to be on my way by 12:15. Neither she nor any of the teen-aged "optical assistants" (well, they're probably in their 20s, but you couldn't tell that from their general callowness or their styles of dress, speech or professionalism) had any idea either when the doctor might be available or how to go about discerning that fact.

I agreed to wait another 10 minutes until 12:05, despite my strong sense that I was throwing good time after bad. Sure enough, the doctor didn't appear and no one, as far as I could tell, attempted to prompt her or find out what was going on behind her closed door. At 12:08, I requested my glasses back so I could be on my way. The receptionist said she could guarantee I wouldn't have to wait if I rescheduled for first thing in the morning or "right after the doctor's lunch." I did so, then asked if the optometrist was running so far behind because people had arrived late for their appointments. "Oh, no," the receptionist said smugly. "If people are more than 10 minutes late, we require that they reschedule."

So the deal is that if I'd walked in 11 minutes late, I would have been booted, but these jokers have no problem keeping me waiting for 45 minutes or more without apology or explanation.

This is so wrong on so many levels. First, let's get real about what kind of business this joint is in. It's plainly about selling $700+ pairs of glasses rather than $35 eye exams. We're not patients in this setting. We're customers. Being made to wait for a doctor is stupid, especially in a city where you can get any cosmetic enhancement you might desire - new glasses, new teeth, permanent makeup, a fake tan, better body parts, etc. - on practically every corner.

Second, come on! What possible reason could there be for the delay? I can understand having to wait for an orthopedic surgeon or an obstetrician, but an optometrist?? It's hard to imagine an optometric emergency. And I know from my medical professional husband that being made to wait for medical professionals is largely bullshit except where said professionals have to handle unexpected emergencies. Doctors' offices can easily avoid delays simply by scheduling sufficient time per appointment and not double-booking.

So the vision center's got it wholly backward. They're double-booking the optometrist (where they make little money) and backing up the selling and fulfillment of glasses (where the big bucks are). In the process, they're driving away the customers they're lucky enough to have. Their vision is fuzzier than mine!

Technical Difficulties

It's really unbelievable how unsettling computer troubles can be. A couple days ago, a black border showed up out of nowhere and starting dancing around the cursor on the screen of my beloved new Mac. I grew increasingly upset and anxious, desperate even, as nothing I tried succeeded in making it disappear.

The black border drove me crazy on general principles, but it also alarmed me because I seem to recall that random geometric shapes appeared on an old laptop of mine before it died a punishing death several years ago. Punishing for me, that is, because the laptop took with it over 10 pages of freshly written material for my first book. To this day, I'm certain that the lost pages were better than the replacements I came up with. The incident also turned me into an obsessive backer-upper. When I write large chunks now, I typically email them to myself and store them on an external jump drive - all this in addition to the backup that automatically occurs on my external LaCie Time Machine, which has to be the coolest system there is. Everyone who knows about this compulsive storage thinks I'm insane, but I'll be damned if I'm ever again going to struggle through the crushing processes of grieving, failed reconstruction and, ultimately, less satisfactory rewriting.

Anyway, the black border on the Mac. After I failed to solve it on my own, I Googled the problem. This usually works like a charm, but evidently I used the wrong search words because the results weren't helpful. Then, I called Apple Tech Support and got a guy who apparently had marbles in his mouth. He ran through his standard Tech Support Script with me ("I already rebooted." "Yes, ma'am, I understand. Please shut down your computer and then we'll turn it back on."), all to no avail. He kept telling me to do things that took time, then muted the phone while he was waiting (to "help" another customer? to ask questions of someone who actually knew something about computers? to trade stocks?). Whenever I told him the time-consuming function was finished, he started talking again without unmuting his phone, so I heard silence until I said, "Hello? Hello?" Then, he'd come back, pretending nothing was amiss. ("I'm here, ma'am.") This happened at least a dozen times.

After 45 minutes of inserting discs and doing scary behind-the-scenes things to my computer, all of which had no impact whatsoever on the black border, my patience, never my strongest suit, was at an end. When Marbles instructed me to drag a bunch of things to a new place, then was bewildered when the computer wouldn't let me do so, I decided he and I were finished and called the only IT guy I trust - my son. He was at work, but I knew he'd get back to me ASAP with a solution. Sure enough, he did. We had a lot of guests over the weekend, one of whom had inadvertently pushed the buttons on my computer that activated the Universal Access feature - thus, the black border to highlight where the cursor was. A simple click to turn off that feature and, presto!, the border disappeared.

Both my original agitation and my relief were out of proportion to the actual events, but I couldn't be more delighted that the problem wasn't really a problem. I would have thought less of my Mac had it developed a mysterious computer ailment within its first six months. Like my father, who considered a car to be ruined once it required any sort of repair, I don't like intimations of imperfection in mechanical things. I much prefer to think of them as perfect, wonderful, and not on the brink of disaster.

Out of the Mainstream

One of the joys of my current lifestyle is that my interactions with other people are limited almost exclusively to people of my choosing. None of that biting of the tongue that is part and parcel of working day-to-day with other people. No smiling politely while enduring the unpleasant, sometimes ugly, pronouncements of the envious, the disdainful, the insecure (you know, all that offensive crap people preface with "Don't take this personally, but..."). No deciding whether to keep still or take on someone who spouts sexist or racist or other bigoted bullshit. The only offensive or dopey interaction I really have to contend with is on TV or in the news and, thanks to TiVo and the ability to skim, I can effectively limit my exposure to that.

But there's a downside to living in this lovely bubble, and that's a narrowing of perspective. Annoying or inflammatory as other people's opinions and attitudes may be, they're very useful as perspective-broadeners. Now that I'm detached from the necessity of engaging with them, I keep finding myself astonished by things. The popularity of reality TV, the bargain-basement levels of customer service that pass as acceptable virtually across the board, the fact that people are actually seriously considering John McCain as a legitimate presidential candidate, the cult of celebrity that catapults no-talent faux Lolitas into lucrative renown (if not prestige), the revived acceptability even among women of sexist prejudices and behavior - it all shocks me.

Attractive as the idea sometimes seems, I've decided against withdrawing altogether and completing a transformation into curmudgeonly disengagement. Instead, I'm learning to ask myself "What if I'm totally wrong?" every time something strikes me as insane or not even remotely possible. It's a very interesting process. Although I don't change my opinion very often - I may be out of the thought mainstream now, but I operated within it for decades and I still trust my instincts - the notion that I could be holding the wrong end of the stick, reaction-wise, is an eye-opening starting point. Maybe normal people find reality TV entertaining. Maybe Jessica Simpson really is hot. Maybe she really is talented. Maybe McCain isn't just old and weird. Maybe people don't care enough about quality customer service to make it worthwhile for companies to offer it. Maybe women - no, that's an angle I'll never concede.

More Customer Service Woes

The state of customer service must be truly terrible pretty much across the board. I could write a rant about some shocking breach basically every day, and I barely interact with the world at all! To tell the truth, I've been holding back on the customer disservice posts for fear of being boring. But this week has brought a couple doozies that I just can't let pass without comment.

On Monday, I experienced some webmail forwarding problems. From their nature, I was able to deduce that the source was most likely one of two accounts. (I'm pretty impressed by having done this myself.) When I went to the so-called Support Site for Possible Source #1, I was met with the single most outrageous parody of customer service I have ever seen.

First, there was a posting on the site about some systemic email problems and several updates about "working feverishly" to correct it. Since the updates spanned a three-day period, I doubt the work was really very feverish - I mean, come on. But, ok, I understand that there can be issues. The last update indicated that the problem had been resolved. My own personal problem had just started (intriguingly enough), so I thought I'd submit a "trouble ticket." (Where do they come up with this gibberish?? Can't we just call a question a question?) The trouble ticket page coolly informed me that if I submitted a trouble ticket and my question related to something I could have answered by reading the online FAQ, I would be charged "a minimum of $50."

I'm not kidding. Apparently, this outfit's idea of customer service includes my wading through - online - pages and pages of techno-gibberish to see if my particular problem has already been addressed and then submitting a free question only if I correctly determine that it has not. This is utterly backwards, obviously; the people who wrote the FAQ are in a much better position than I am to know what the damn things cover and what they don't. It would take them minimal time to point me in the right direction. As the customer, why on earth should I be obliged to read their stuff and figure out if the answer to my question is there?

I understand that a huge percentage of the questions they get are probably braindead wastes of their time (like "How do I retrieve my forgotten password?"), but is that an excuse for abdicating their customer service promises? I pay this outfit for a service. The home page of their website proudly (and, we now know, inaccurately) crows "Our service and support package includes free phone and email support." I was told about a hundred times during the sales process (usually in response to my questions about the relative priciness of their service) that superior customer service was part of the package. What a complete joke!

Since there was no way I was going to read a bunch of techno-babble or potentially spend $50 plus to get what I felt confident assuming would be a useless or only marginally useful answer (this isn't my first day), I decided instead to go after an answer to the problem from Possible Source #2 (aka Yahoo). Yahoo really has the promised free email support capability and so I sent an email. The answer - which, oddly in this online world, took almost 24 hours to show up - contained a standard paragraph acknowledging the failure to deliver "the service you paid for" and apologizing for causing inconvenience, and then asked me to take a screenshot of the error message (which I'd described in detail) and resubmit. It then included detailed instructions for taking said screenshot. (If I'd asked how to do that, I'd have been in business.) Again, don't they know how their system works? They have my entire life story in the account setup - can't they go into my account and recreate the problem for themselves? Why is this my responsibility?

I wasn't about to start taking screenshots and getting into another of those idiotic email loops. (I've had enough of that lately, as those of you who've read this know.) So I crisply responded with "Never mind. I've decided to switch to gmail." Absurdly, I got another response, another 24 hours later, that was IDENTICAL to the first except this one also had a sentence that said "Eagerly awaiting your response" - not more than a few lines above my "Never mind." I haven't responded to it on the assumption that "Eagerly awaiting" is as unlikely to be true as "working feverishly."

The upshot? Gmail seems to be working fine (bye bye, Yahoo) and when Possible Source #1 next wants money from me, I think I'll let them know that I assess a minimum $50 charge on all outgoing payments.

Orbiting Orbitz

Warning: Helpless giggling may ensue as you read this post.

I set forth below, unabridged, malapropisms intact, and as it occurred (but for identifying info), an actual string of email correspondence. It speaks for itself and, in so doing, tells a very sad story that is also somehow totally hilarious. Is this merely more evidence of what's wrong with customer service in America? Or have I uncovered a neat scam in how these so-called "best rate" sites work? You be the judge - and enjoy.

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From Me to Orbitz's online email contact address
Sent: Mon, 14 May 2007 10:42AM

When I booked my stay at the [HOTEL] (confirm #), the rate quoted was $385.36. This included a room rate of $329, plus $56.23 in taxes and fees. This total amount was charged to my credit card and appears on my May bill. The hotel actually charged me a total of $307.76, consisting of a room rate of $269.78 and taxes of $37.98. Will the difference be credited to my credit card and, if so, in what amount? If not, why not?

Thanks.

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From Orbitz
Sent: Mon, 14 May 2007 12:01 PM

Dear Debra,

Thank you for contacting Orbitz.

In reviewing our reservation system, I show that you have a confirmed a past hotel reservation titled [identifying info].

With response to your query, we request you to contact our hotel helpdesk at 888-656-4546 for further assistance on this issue. Our Customer Service representative will be glad to assist you.

We value you as a customer and look forward to serving you again in the future.

Sincerely,

Harris
OrbitzTLC
www.Orbitz.com

Orbitz - The faster, easier way to find the trip you want.

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From Me
Sent: Mon, 14 May 2007 12:05 PM

Thanks, but I already tried the phone approach and I do not deal with automated phone systems. Like most customers, I find them an exercise in frustration and I suggest that you eliminate them. If phone is the only way for this to be handled, please ask a phone representative to call me at [number]. Thank you.

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From Orbitz
Sent: Mon, 14 May 2007 1:55 PM

Dear Debra,

Thank you for contacting Orbitz.

In reviewing our reservation system and your account under the e-mail address ' ', I see that you have a past hotel reservation titled [identifying info].

Due to a heavy inflow of calls you may experience some difficulty in contacting us. We apologize for the inconvenience this may cause and greatly appreciate your patience.

For security reason, we, at Orbitz Customer Service E-mail are unable to make outbound calls and hence, unable to contact you via phone.

However, for further clarification with regards to your issue, please contact our hotel helpdesk at 1-888-656-4546.

We value you as a customer and look forward to serving you again in the future.

Sincerely,

Frank
OrbitzTLC
www.Orbitz.com

Orbitz - The faster, easier way to find the trip you want.

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From Me
Sent: Mon, 14 May 2007 2:04 PM

As I wrote before, I do not deal with automated phone response systems. I will not call again. If my question cannot be answered from your end via either email or a phone call to me, I will simply chalk this up to experience and stop doing business with Orbitz. Thank you.

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From Orbitz
Sent: Mon, 14 May 2007 3:47 PM

Dear Orbitz Customer,

Thank you for contacting Orbitz.

I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience caused and troubled you.

In reviewing your 'My Trips' and our resources, I show that your hotel reservation titled [identifying info] was a prepaid reservation and the hotel should not have charged you. The only additional charges from the hotel could for any incidentals.

If you have been double charged for this hotel reservation, please contact our hotel helpdesk at 888-656-4546 or if you are calling from outside of US, please contact us on our international number at 312-416-0018 to have this resolved.

We apologize for any inconvenience this has caused.

We value you as a customer and look forward to serving you again in the future.

Sincerely,

Nick
OrbitzTLC
www.Orbitz.com

Orbitz - The faster, easier way to find the trip you want.

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From Me
Sent: Mon, 14 May 2007 4:20 PM

You have missed the point of my question. The hotel did not charge me separately. What it did was give me a statement for my records showing what was charged, and this amount was less than what Orbitz charged to my credit card. My question relates to the difference between the $329 room rate charged by Orbitz and the $269.78 on the statement from the hotel. (Please see my original email.) As I have now said several times, I will not be calling anyone. Your automated customer service phone system is a nightmare that I have no interest in revisiting. Please either answer my question via email or let me know that you are not prepared to do so. Thank you.

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From Orbitz
Sent: Mon, 14 May 2007 7:41 PM

Dear Orbitz Customer,

Thank you for contacting Orbitz.

We apologize for the inconvenience caused. When you call Orbitz Customer Service, the automated voice would ask you to enter your phone number. You may ignore this prompt. You may be asked to enter your phone number 2 or 3 times, but please ignore the prompt without answering.

You will then be directed to the main menu. You will be asked to choose from Flights, Hotels and Cars. Say 'Help' on this prompt and you will be directed to a Customer Service representative.

Orbitz is a self booking internet service tool where you act as your own travel agent to make your travel plans. We are unable to quote these fares through e-mail, as they are constantly changing.

For further assistance, we advise you to contact the Orbitz Customer Service at 1-888-656-4546 or Internationally 1-312-416-0018, our agents will be glad to assist you.

We value you as a customer and look forward to serving you again in the future.

Sincerely,

Yeshuah
OrbitzTLC
www.Orbitz.com

Orbitz - The faster, easier way to find the trip you want.

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From Me
Sent: Tue, 15 May 2007 9:42 AM

I assume the last few "responses" in this email string are intended as some sort of joke. Please (1) review my original question [identifying info], (2) read the rest of the email string, and (3) let me know if you are able to answer my question via email or not. Please do not send me any further instructions about calling your number. I believe I have made my position on that clear. Thank you.

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From Orbitz
Sent: Tue, 15 May 2007 11:01 AM

Dear Debra,

Thank you for contacting Orbitz.

It is very disappointing to learn of the situation you encountered. I sincerely apologize for any inconvenience you have experienced.

In fact, our customer service is not automated. They have been trained to assist our customers and they are professionals.

However, if you are having problems in contacting our customer service. I request you to call again and below below give you some hints.

When you call us, the system will first ask you for a number five times. It is not necessary to enter a number and if you do not enter one, you will be provided with the menu with various options. You need to say 'Help' from the main menu which will provide you with two options 'Password' or 'Website'. You need to say 'Website' to speak to a customer service representative.

Despite the impression this has left with you, we hope you will be forgiving enough to afford us your continued support.

We value you as a customer and look forward to serving you again in the future.

Sincerely,

Frank
OrbitzTLC
www.Orbitz.com

Orbitz - The faster, easier way to find the trip you want.

Customer Disservice...Again!

There’s no disputing that I’m exquisitely (and perhaps insanely) attuned to this problem, but the crappy operating policies and almost complete lack of customer-focused service provided by most companies/people are just unbelievable to me. This week, I've had to deal with four of the service providers to whom I pay actual money. (Ok, my life isn't as complex as it once was. Perhaps the reason this is bugging me so much is that I now have more time to allocate to getting excited about it.) In one case, the service provider took more out of my bank account than it was authorized to take. In two cases, I had a question about a request or requirement that made no logical sense. In the final case, I requested a simple change to an existing service that required no thought whatsoever on the part of the service provider – just a quote (yes, I was trying to give them more money) and a few keystrokes on a computer. In all four cases, the first response was neither prompt nor responsive. All four elected to tell me what the situation was – basically, they repeated my question. So I did the same. An additional day down and additional raveling of my already not very tightly knit patience for this sort of thing.

With two of the four, there's no way to get back to the original responder because they have those silly and infuriating automated mechanisms that deliver your question to some customer service pool. (It makes my head hurt to think about what such a pool might look like – is it a huge roomful of untrained, cranky personnel clacking away on corporate computers or a vast global network of untrained, cranky independent contractors hunched in isolation over their own PCs?) Anyway, each time you get a new person. Sometimes, the new person reads the original correspondence and sometimes, evidently, not so much. With these two, I'm still in the question/response circle 4 days later.

One of the illogical companies actually resolved the matter satisfactorily on the second try. They get the prize, I guess. The fourth, a small company with whom I had to follow up twice after getting no response for over 48 hours (on try 1) and 24 hours (on try 2), despite the fact that I want to buy an additional service (and have been a next-day payor of all previous bills), now tells me that the simple change won't be done until next week – over a week from request to completion caused, almost certainly, by their unresponsiveness.

What kills me is that ALL these so-called service providers pride themselves on their so-called customer service. Their responses are all liberally peppered with boilerplate apologies for "misunderstandings" and "our failure to answer your question promptly, accurately and to your satisfaction." They all plainly understand what the goal is and they reiterate it in writing every chance they get (ultra-annoyingly, when we're on round 3 or more of Q&A). But they have instituted absolutely nothing in the way of operating policies, training for their beleaguered people, technology or other ways of assuring that they actually provide what they claim to offer and what they know their customers want. Worse – two of these companies have, apparently in good faith, asked me for testimonials to endorse their “superior products and customer service.” They are so far from superior it isn’t even funny. Do they not know the difference? Are they maybe figuring that all you have to do to make something superior is call it so? Or is it me? Does “below adequate” now suffice for “superior” in all but a handful of service settings? Maybe my problem is that I’m lucky enough to be dealing with one truly superior service provider at the moment and the contrast is just too great.

Absurdity Redux

I feel I owe this update to everyone who read my February 9 post. The vacuum cleaners got delivered correctly! They were supposed to take 2-5 weeks and instead took 2-5 days, so we can all rest assured that the thank-you site continues to offer absurdity, but, hey, I can give credit where credit is due.

Absurdity

I tend to forget that I have a credit card that racks up "thank you" points when I use it. As a result, I end up with thousands of points that can be used to procure things like vacuum cleaners and restaurant gift certificates and other goodies it's nice to get for free rather than actually pay for. Both my kids recently moved into new apartments and both, interestingly, demonstrated enthusiasm for the idea of a vacuum cleaner. So I thought - thank you points.

I log on today, find I have the usual zillion points and identify a nice ultra-light little vacuum cleaner perfect for someone who still has several additional moves ahead and doesn't want to get over-burdened with things that are hard to carry (like my two favorite such someones). I order one and enter the address. I click on Place Order. All goes well. I order a second and enter the second address. I click on Place Order and this time the thank you screen informs me that my order has been placed and the vacuum will be shipped to me. I don't want any vacuum cleaners, so I look for a way to cancel or modify the order. There is none. I do find a telephone number, though, so I call it. It's promptly answered by one of those voice recognition ladies. She tells me a bunch of things I don't want or need to hear, then starts asking me to "state or enter" info like my phone number, zip code and SSN. I do so. She tells me my point balance (another thing I'm uninterested in, particularly since I have it on the screen in front of me). Then, she tells me to listen carefully to my options. All I want is an operator - a human one, although the voice recognition lady does seem nice - but of course that's the last option. I hit 5. A voice does a little commercial for the thank you site. A human answers and asks to whom he is speaking. This question strikes me as odd since I just entered my entire life story for the voice recognition lady, but I swallow my irritation and tell him my name. Pleasantly. He asks me how he can help. I tell him. He apologizes and calls me ma'am about 12 times (despite having just asked me for my name), but the system is down and there's no way he can help me. No, I can't fix the problem online either. His suggestion is that I call back "in a few hours or tomorrow." I want to swear, but I ask (still pleasantly) if there's a way to bypass the time I spent with the voice recognition lady when I call back. Lots more calling me ma'am (until I can't stand it any more and ask him to quit calling me ma'am), but there isn't. I say goodbye.

I really don't want a vacuum cleaner to be shipped to me, so I read some email and some news stories, all the while watching the clock. After 90 minutes, I can't stand it any more, so I take a deep breath and call the number again. The voice recognition lady and I repeat our conversation, I hear the same commercial, and this time a new guy named Mike asks to whom he is speaking. I tell him and ask if the system is back up. He says yes. I explain my problem. In a burst of irrelevance, he tells me they no longer want to use SSNs for security purposes and asks if I could pick something else. I do. He then logs into my account, finds the bad order, asks for the correct shipping address (and is audibly typing it in as I tell him), then asks me to hold. I do. After some ghastly music (but no more commercials), Mike tells me Mary Ellen is on the phone with us. She's a supervisor and she'll handle the address change. I say ok and Mike says goodbye. Mary Ellen says hello and asks me for the correct shipping address. With some amazement evident in my voice, I tell her I just gave it to Mike. She apologizes for the inconvenience (and calls me ma'am). I give her the address and listen to her type it in. (Where did Mike's input go??) Mary Ellen tells me that when I place orders online, "for my protection" I will never be allowed to specify an address other than my billing address. I reply (still pleasantly, although it's killing me) that not 5 minutes before the bad order, I did just that. She assures me that's impossible. I resist asking why there's a button to click that says "Send to alternate address." (Really, could the explanation be anything but ludicrous?) Instead, I assure her that it was completely possible. She says we better check on the other order because, really, it's impossible. She pulls up the other order. It correctly states the alternate shipping address. She's amazed. I'm now trying not to laugh. (My husband, who normally makes this sort of call because I can't be trusted to behave properly, is laughing helplessly as he listens to my end of the conversation.) Mary Ellen gabs for a while about the old system and the new system, assures me that no vacuum cleaners will be coming to Nevada and asks me if there's anything else she can help me with. I say no and we part pleasantly.

I know the odds of a vacuum cleaner coming to Nevada are very high, but my fingers are crossed. All I can think is that I should have bought more expensive vacuum cleaners so I wouldn't have so many points left. I can only hope they don't expire before I have the will to face another redemption.

The Dying Art of Customer Service

I ordered a birthday gift for my sister from a website I order from frequently. The gift card instruction box gave me pause at the time – instead of the usual "check here if this is a gift" type thing, the site had a weird instruction to "note that it’s a gift in the comments box." It was totally unclear how you included a gift message, but I decided to type that in the comments box, too, and hope for the best. (I felt rather like my grandfather, who always spoke to answering machines as if they were secretaries. "Please ask Debra to give me a call," I would hear when I played messages.) Today, I heard from my sister that she got a great gift with no card or indication of who sent it. Luckily, she guessed it was me. I emailed the website to complain and got (very promptly, which was nice) an apology along with a statement that the card WAS included and the recipient no doubt overlooked it. Basically, the response was "Sorry, but we’re right and your gift recipient is wrong." How is it possible for anyone not to get that the explanation totally undercuts the apology and makes this a bad response? Even if it were true, where's the corporate upside in telling me my sister is wrong? And what ever happened to "the customer is always right?" It would have been fine with me if the apologizer had typed "I’m sorry you were disappointed. We make every effort to assure that cards get included, but sometimes, blah, blah, blah," then hit send, and called me something unflattering to the person in the next cubicle. I don't expect groveling, but it seems to me that businesses might seek customer service reps who understand that corrective rebuttal is probably not the most effective approach to customers.